I would have liked to enjoy the homemade meal at the chosen local restaurant. Instead, the restaurant owner asked, “Do you have children?” His obvious interest was like that of any elderly person I encountered; to know about this homegrown woman, who is married to a foreign man. I meekly responded, “No”. I thought he would stop. He went on, “If you have no children, then you are not correctly married to that man.” I blurted, “I cannot bear children.” I thought the honest answer would make him shut up. He continued, “With my second wife it took us ten years.” My final testimony highlighted that there are many children out there who have no biological parents and are in need of caring guardians and I am content with adopting one of them. He answered, “Don’t give up. Keep trying.” I was choking with emotions. My husband placed his hand upon mine, a gentle gesture which reminded me it didn’t matter what others thought.
Why did a stranger feel the urge to ask me such a private question? What was there not to understand that I cannot bear children? Did he want my full medical record to get convinced? Why couldn’t he agree that there are orphaned and abandoned children who need parental love? Why should having a child outweigh the importance of a healthy and possibly childless relationship? I figured in his own peculiar way he meant well. As is our custom, he was being hospitable through a conversation which involved asking questions.
He was not the only one asking that question. Throughout our visit, we were asked the question four times – from people we know and strangers alike. It shouldn’t have surprised us because it is one question we get asked every time we visit homeland. It is an expected question to a couple without children. But this question is not the one to get used to regardless of the intentions. It involves your intimate life.
There are many reasons a couple might not have children ranging from medical conditions to personal choices. So why do we want to pry into someone’s privacy by asking that question? Some women are spared from the verbal question but indirectly get it the harder way. The outsiders will keep staring at your stomach to find if it is bulging with life. The staring will keep on until someday a respected person outside your marital life decides it’s time your man looked elsewhere. Why do we allow for a woman to suffer the social and cultural consequences for being childless?
We need an attitudinal change on the part of the society. A marriage which values love, friendship, compassion and loyalty of two people is one to be admired. Having children shouldn’t be a necessity. The taunting towards a childless marriage is detrimental towards building a healthier society. Instead, we should cheer the women and men, who despite the ordeals they have to face for being childless; they are still together through thick and thin living a fulfilling life and probably occupying their minds with communal development activities. We have to stop asking that harsh question. A woman is worth more than her ability to procreate.
First published by Daily News Tanzania (WOMAN insert)
